Women On The Spectrum of BPD: Did She Really Love Me? Another important aspect is the fact that women with traits of BPD feel extreme humiliation due to rejection, exponentially more than the average person. When we observe abusive relationships between nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD, we find that these men have an extraordinarily hard time leaving their girlfriends even when they know they should. The . I wouldnt say that they change for anyone but themselves. For the sake of the individual and their loved ones who are by their side in recovery. This podcast is the absolute best! I think I dated the same woman,are you from Scotland by any chance? Funny thing is I would say Im this nice guy and I suffered with mental health before , anxiety etc and I know the battles people go through but the biggest leap is accepting there is a problem!! Rose Skeeters, a licensed therapist, nutrition and mindset coach, will share her story and strategies to overcome her own battle with BPD and Bulimia. Herthought process begins to spiral and she ends up stalking this person. Shes mercurial, irresponsible, and resentful of Joel to the point of being outright nasty. But when my wife yells, slaps, hits in the middle of the night from hell that she hates me and I am the worst person in the world, I also now understand that she is also speaking from her heart at that moment to. Marriage is an agreement to be on your partners side, to be fair and loyal. Paranoid Thoughts: Paranoia Everyone has negative thoughts, but paranoia is dwelling in negativity for most of your days. Although I am attracted to the new girl the sexual chemistry does not seem as strong. Everyone knows this is not the case. PsyPost is a psychology and neuroscience news website dedicated to reporting the latest research on human behavior, cognition, and society. Though it accurately portrayedthe reality ofliving with BPD, the movie has often beencriticized forits too good to be true ending. For example, if you live in a hostile environment, creating intense relationships might be advantageous if you are a mother (as the primary caregiver) wanting to ensure that her partner commits to her and her child.. Your personal stuffs excellent. While the realization provided some relief, it also saddened me incredibly. Fast forward 2.5 years. And now that l figured out so much about her, would it b wise to tell and possibly help this guy? She is utterly dependant on me being here. In Part 1 we explored the personality type associated with traits of borderline personality disorder, or BPD, and the unusual pattern of Dr. Jekyll-to-Mr. Hyde transformation that so many of these women go through when they enter a romantic relationship. As human beings, we tend to assume that others perceive the world in the same way we do. This lasted the entire ride home and for about 10 minutes after until she finally calmed her self down and exhausted herself. Partly the reason for our break. | I understand your perspective of male behavior, but I disagree that all men are as you describe. That would have severely triggered her sense fear of abandonment / fears I was going to hurt her. If I hadnt already had a relationship with her, I would have been so flattered that this pretty girl thinks so highly of me. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I interview Vasu, creator of the podcast artwork, and fellow recovering warrior. It sounds like you have been making very healthy choices and your self-awareness levels seems solid enough that you should be able to move through this adjustment period without too much difficulty. Borderline Personality Disorder is a chronic and complex mental health disorder marked by instability, and interpersonal relationships are often the stage on which this instability plays out. At any rate this is 100 percent doomed to fail in all cases. I get nothing from the relationship besides keeping my childrens mother together under one roof. Ive warned him what can happen to me and what my patterns have been in relationships and even about BPD in particular. In the piece he wrote: Evie comes from an abusive borderline environment. 6. What have i become? Remember to spread the word that BPD/CPTSD/EUPD are all disorders that hurt, though that we can recover from with tenacity, patient endurance, and hard work! As a person with BPD I can safely assure you that we most certainly do not enter a relationship to con anyone! BPD is largely characterized by unstable interpersonal relationships, which we see play out in Alices life. This lack of social discernment coupled with the oversharing of intimate details can be typical struggles for folks with untreated BPD. good luck to anyone who is giving it a go , hopefully your situation is better than what mine was . I know you dont know my situation in its entirety but an expert opinion would be very welcomed. Thanks for the advice. Can you share some insight on this? Do you know how it feels? I couldnt leave because of my fear of being alone. She feels comfortable in chaos and dysfunction yet craves love and affection but at the same time pushes it away. For years? For claritys sake, its worth mentioning that there is no specific medication that treats BPD directly. You are really good with them. Is it just to convince themselves they were right to end it to avoid feeling guilt and shame? And my setting her straight should allow her to dislike me (again, lol) for as long as she chooses. I spoke , gave and showed my love to her and I got all this in return. I tried to make her feel special in everyway but it just didnt seem to register with her thoughts and emotions really. I feel with all my heart I owed her these years to try. Thats what a women with BPD needs so stop making us feel like we arent worthy of love because we are just as worthy as you and this ridiculous article along with these truly pathetic and non-factual comments are part of the reason this mental health illness exists. They only stop the defensive behaviors that women with traits of BPD engage in with their relationship partners and with family members, which is only one of many aspects of the condition. Its like talking to a brick wall. Ive acted out with my therapist too many times to count by leaving and coming back. On a more positive note, education in the BPD behavior patterns is growing, and there are more opportunities for these individuals to come across a helpful article on BPD which may take the aspect of trust for the messenger out of the equation. funny how bpd is an actual disorder and yet has the stigma of intentional manipulative behavior. She is not manipulating. Both nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD tend to believe that the other possesses the same natural skills and deficits. She swears im a bad guy/dad/husband, and i swear im good to her and the kids. I am suffering from some libido issues etc, she sort of forced me to see my doctor for it. I get the feeling that he is also at a loss with her because he isnt gaining any ground, he tells me that in her eyes, I am the problem, and the only problem. Joanna, there is so much of my life that mirrors what you say. 3. Unfortunately, the woman with traits of BPD just may be the ultimate con artist, a person who fools herself into believing she can sustain a relationship as well as fooling you. The latest psychology and neuroscience discoveries. So why do they bother? I know Im not normal, yet why should I try to be? You might wake up one morning and feel pissed- off. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I talk about how I have been able to tolerate suffering after recovery having come to experience the grace of God and having come to learn how to give myself and those around me that same grace- generous, free, totally unexpected, and totally undeserved courteous good will and kindness. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, is an illness that can make you struggle with your emotions. Current therapist just say depressed, of course she cannot be telling everything. This belief can cause too much shame for them to express remorse even if they are feeling it. But new research suggests that many men find traits associated with borderline personality disorder to be appealing in physically attractive women. The more I loved her, the less she wanted to be with me. Its people that refuse to admit that theres any wrong with them that abuse their spouses. I hope women with bpd are not reading this!! Basically she was having a panic attack. yes am nice guy too and put up with all the crap like a fool ,I said sorry when I was not even in the wrong to keep peace and generally kiss ass , well I finally snapped and stormed round there and told her everything she is and what she does and said this is not working and lets call it a day and then thats when the tables turned lol, now she is kissing arse and doing what I was doing and she had the cheek to say Through the romanticization of it, mental illness is minimized and beautified and almost turned into something that is cool and desirable as opposed to a painful struggle. Privacy We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. Its so frustrating when you know your right but she will insist on something completely irrational. Its nearly 5 months since she left, and I am still in crisis and fearful for my kids futures. The embarrassment was just too much. To the contrary, these were efforts to please her. Its just not fun being at the ebb and flow of anothers emotional discord esp. Is it just not being able to give up that control along with a fear of rejection? She has refused to make any contact with the ministry and her son has been reluctance to speak with her at all. Those with borderline personality disorder have problems regulating emotional impulses and often experience rocky relationships. In order to understand why so many nice-guy types stay in abusive relationships with women with traits of BPD we must first understand a second universal human frailty. My personal situation also hasnt been easy for her as i live with my ex -partner (pending full separation) so the triggers were plentiful on that issue alone! So there can be some awareness of the moral consequences of her decisions, but she doesnt take them seriously. Nice-guy types are often convinced that the world is filled with people who love to give without expecting anything in return. This is really a time when a professional needs to be brought in to help you make the decisions you need to move yourself out of this situation. Saturday Night Livestar Pete Davidson has helped to spread awareness, since he's. She would rarely if ever take responsibility for what she did and/or said. Running for the hills is the type of message that discourages anyone from improvement. At the opposite end of the scale, some women feel suffocated by relationships and behave badly in order to push their loved ones away. Jasmine: Yeah, you got what you wanted and then just rolled over and rolled away. Is it safe to co-parent? And its absolutely unfair to make them feel pain as a result of my internal crap. I dont know why I was coming back to her, and missed her, and felt guilty. They will manipulate you, not so much as to get what they want in terms of things, but what they need to feel good. So no Sarah, the real issue is with mentally ill sociopaths whose primary preoccupation is satisfying THEIR needs exclusively, to hell with who they hurt in the process. I also see a therapist to handle parenting challenges that we have esp for my ADHD son. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! I have been reading many sites over the last five years as I have struggled to understand and respond to the overwhelming BPD traits of my wife. But I am more than happy to answer any questions you have on your healing process by email. Do you provide therapy for women like me, maybe over phone? Especially when I would occasionally defend his recent behaviours (which were no more egregious than forgetting to do the dishes, or coming home later than his curfew). He cheated on her and actually was physically abusive with her yet she stayed in the relationship. In other words the push-pull (*) pattern is already visible. Kara, I do not write about the disorder itself. At 31, I believe I am mellowing out. Now I look back on those relationships and have realised that perhaps it was my intense fear of being abandoned along with my truly negative mind, that created this scenario and ensured I believed it. The Nicola Method Workbook for Partners of High Conflict Women has been written to allow partners of women with traits of BPD to reverse these negative behaviors. Is this sort of thing common in these types of women where they suffer from these types of disorders and isolation as well? I have explained things many times, and even thought things out, but over a month it just goes in one big circle. I hope some other (exs) partners etc can relate as I find it very helpful to read such things. Things such as We need to go slowwas completely contradictory to what she actually did. I am a decent human being but wont be a doormat to walk on , no I wasnt always perfect but I was pretty close to be being a good partner The partner is not innocent they also have traits and triggers that are wrong- just that sometimes people react very strongly to them. Mood swings: To an untrained eye, a PTSD response could look like a panic attack, an overreaction, or unnecessary dramatization. Hi! This method shows you easy techniques that let you reverse the negative behaviors of high conflict personalities. A text from me to firm up a time/ date two days ago was AGAIN greeted with silenceMy final firm text summed up of all my thoughts and i see no reason for us to ever talk again. We would sit at the park and he would tell me stories and we would play funny little games and laugh. In addition to impulsivity, he also displays a propensity for letting his emotions get the best of him, and struggling with fear of abandonment. One of the symptoms he displays most clearly is. Wonderful article! It is very helpful for others who have been through this to realize that they are far from alone in this experience. Feel free to email me about any questions or concerns regarding these techniques. In devaluation phase they block out all of the memory of experiences that made them feel hope. In my mind, the easiest thing in the would have been to simply state weeks ago that she was getting involved elsewhere and Id have happily moved on with my life. It takes self-discipline to remember the good things that he has done, instead of focusing on the negative (completely natural), but you CAN think positively, even if its just one thing; it still offers a light to walk toward. With scheduled visits about 4 times a year. However, the intimacy which feels so comforting to a healthy person will be terrifying for her. JT, two things can happen. Taking the razors out of my shaving kit, which she ultimately swallowed. If I hadnt found your site, I would still be tearing my hair out. I been married to my wife for 6 years now, & recently discovered that she has traits of BPD. This ability holds a special attraction for women with traits of BPD. I know they are real and she meant them but I wonder if someone like her or women with traits of BPD feel betrayed when those proclamations are not returned or at least not as equal. Everything was made difficult. Yeah, I didnt do everything right for sure, nobody does, but I deserved so much better. I have been trying to read as many of your articles on BPD, but this one seems to articulate the best of why we stayed being their caretaker for so long. They lack the trust of even their closest loved ones and will often choose to separate from those trying to help them over facing the truth about their behavior. Lets take a closer look at how the nice-guy/borderline connection can lock a healthy man into an unhealthy relationship. She would have total lack of self awareness and lack of empathy. We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. Its safe to say her mother isnt stable either. I hope you will read up on this tendency and protect yourself as best you can. That post is the best analysis I have read anywhere on BPD. I never said a thing about her coat. To this day my group and I still meet now in 2023 because of the impact Rose had on us. The first step in deepening empathic ability is to become aware that there is always an emotional component, or subtext, to communication between people in intimate relationships. Our goal is to provide a show that offers hope and help to you or your loved ones with BPD and to answer big questions that others in the field are too scared to answer. She is incredibly afraid of confrontation. She wasnt. We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. Women With Traits of BPD: Why Cant She Trust Me? I offer a free workbook on my website for people in your position that can sometimes reverse these problems. I couldnt get a straight answer. For a 24-hour crisis . I did everything I could to hold onto that moment of being safe in his lap. How do they discount the things they said during the idealization phase? We had great sex and i was very attracted to her. I have a lawyer and am going forward on a separation as a first step. So nevermind the core rudiments Joanna lays out so well, anything that happens in the devaluation stages is also massively heightened. This allows you to actively seek it out. Please try to be a little more understanding. As the months went on I believed it was more than that but she would never seek help. Just to add she always wanted to be do things alone. I honestly think you are an absolute star Joanna, and you should get awards for this. Well, her version of that is to feel she cant handle life and she hates you! The nice-guy type often cannot get himself to believe that this woman is no longer capable of giving back to him. I was the one accused of being selfish that time lol. I was in touch with my former partner as friends she was married with one child, we spoke sometimes, there was no connection or anything. Although it is very unfortunate that women no longer seem to appreciate nice-guy qualities, the inability to override the instinctual urge to degrade those who dont conform has proven to be more damaging than the female instinct to value narcissistic types over nice guys. This was my main concern when marrying her. After our first break up, she bought a house with a guy after only 6 months into the relationship. I would agree with each of your assessments, and that kind of clarity and big-picture perspective is what finally allows you to answer all of your questions so you can be at peace with your decisions and start to move on. Empathy is the process that allows us to feel the emotions of others. Underneath it all, I know she has a big heart but she is also just severely damaged. Dee, you are in a difficult position. 10% US Women Have Borderline Personality Disorder 85% of people suffering from BPD are women and account for about 5% of the US population. In fact it was her who said it. Consider the following exchange between Brett and Jasmine as they lay in bed. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to "having 'aural dyslexia,' in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.". I have bpd and I have an honest question. I am thankful for Vasu and I know that her recovery story will provide you with hope this holiday weekend. I even went to therapy where my therapist even agreed that she has some sort of personality disorder (she also displayed narcissistic traits). The reason we call them nice guys is based on their ability to act nice even when they arent feeling at their best. Her reasons for splitting were such minimal things which you mentioned that they see it as something major! You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Would go back. Total black and white personality. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. For example, those high in psychopathic and borderline personality trait were described as someone who liked to flout the rules and was quite intense and a bit wild driving fast and taking drugs. They were also described as someone with a lot of relationship dramas who was anxious and self-critical.. So it does feel very real and in a sense it is. Ive found that BPD emotions run extremely high, this is not a con game as you say, but a genuine attempt for you to find someone compatible, but like with me being the easy going guy whos a little peculiar I look for someone who initially seems to share my oddities or at least not fit into the mainstream norm. Sometimes its good to read such articles as it puts things into perspective. Some of the best Ive seen and I think Ive just about read it all at this point. Some would also argue that the word crazy is stigmatising in describing a person. I know that if I was to ever cheat, he would be gone. She starting getting hysterical and crying pulling me into the bathroom with her. If you would like to hear more then would be nice to talk. On the other hand, you feature dialogue techniques that help to assuage the out-of-control emotions and thoughts that plague such relationships and that help to develop a sense of trust and security in the BPD partner. I asked things and she did the exact opposite. Schedule a mindset coaching session today here: https://www.skeetersstrength.com/product/individual-sessions/ Get your gear here: https://thrive-merchandise.creator-spring.com/? Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-Why Did I Fall So Hard? I suggested he go to counseling as well to figure things out. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. Especially, when a catch a lie or something just doesnt make sense. Minor betrayals are by no means deal-breakers, but they can definitely ruffle our feathers and hurt our feelings. These individuals struggle with the inability to resist urges, particularly emotionally-driven urges. I still see her almost everyday because were in school together, but she hasnt spoken to me in seven months and goes out of her way to ignore me, reject me, walk around and away from me, etc. Unstable relationships, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, unstable identity, substance abuse its all there., Fatal Attraction has long been viewed as the absolute worst depiction of borderline personality disorder. Idealization phase? Yep, been through it two maybe 3 times, I usually come to my senses at the year mark as the relationship has usually degraded enough by that point. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? I vowed when this began that I would stay with her and work it through, However, she has never been able to stay in therapy, and believes all is my fault, and that if I would just love her it would solve all our problems. Remember to spread the word that BPD/CPTSD/EUPD are all disorders that hurt, though that we can recover from with tenacity, patient endurance, and hard work! Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? Wow. That makes sense. For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic . I pity children who will be born from such dysfunctional partner combination. [email protected] OR [email protected]. Another things that has been said is why does everyone I love leave me?? I dont think that was the intention, but it looked that way. I disagree with the nice guy theory. Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD How To Let Go of the Good Times, Marriage Entitlement When Your Spouse Takes Too Much Or Gives Too Little, Defense Mechanisms Triggered By Humiliation, Disarming Defense Mechanisms Triggered By Shame, Defense Mechanisms Part 2: How To Stop Defensive Behavior, Defense Mechanisms: When We Hurt Those We Care About, Women With Traits of BPD Why Cant She Say Im Sorry, Women With Traits of BPD Regaining Her Trust, Reversing Female Anger In Relationships Techniques For Men.